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Broken Rearview Mirror – Breaking the glass of the past

How does your past affect you in your personal goals and dreams? Are you losing heart? Then here’s some motivation to grab that sledgehammer!

The Day I Tried To Die

It was four years ago today…

On the evening of February 16, 2012, I kissed each of my dogs on the top of the head, grabbed a flashlight, walked out the door and started running down the street. In my mind, it was going to be the last time I ever saw them.

Minutes before, my husband and I had one of the worst fights of our lives. We both said we no longer loved each other. Afterwards, I felt the room of our apartment closing in around me. The tension was palpable and there wasn’t enough space to get away from it.

I had just left my career, done a short sale on our “forever” home because the economic downturn in Florida had made it impossible to sell it, ruined my credit because of the short sale, gone from a comfortable salary to zero money, sold almost all of our possessions and flown across the ocean to a tiny island to try to repair the last thing I felt I had on this earth – my marriage.

And I had failed.

After months of work, we were still in the same place. He didn’t love me. I didn’t love him. The year of separation where I held down a job in Florida and he pursued his education abroad, combined with the years of not placing each other first, had finally taken their toll.

After battling a deep depression for years, I was tired. I never talked about it. I pretended I was happy. After all, I was in sales. You can’t be sad in front of the customers and earn a living. It was an exhausting mask that got heavier each year.

That emptiness was just under the surface. It was the concrete pouring into my heart, slowly hardening every day.

Life had become pointless, passionless and painful. It hurt too much to keep breathing. I no longer felt love or happiness. Most of the time I felt nothing. When I did feel anything it was anger, fear and crushing sadness. And it wasn’t getting better.

Depression is hard enough as it is, but when you throw volatile circumstances, intense loss of all the things that define you, and painful revelations on the fire, the explosion comes quickly.

As I ran out the door into the inky blackness, the tears blinded me. Since I was in a foreign country, I didn’t have access to the traditional means to end the pain. There were no pills in the cabinet or guns in the drawer. The only way I could kill myself quickly was using gravity. There was a high cliff about a mile from our apartment that looked out over the ocean… I knew it would do the job.

Suddenly, I saw headlights behind me.

I never told my husband I was leaving that night. I didn’t want an audience or attention. I just left quietly out the door after kissing the dogs goodbye.

He noticed I was gone. And every day I thank God he went after me that night.

“Get in the car!” he yelled at me.

I kept running. I hoped he would stop following me and just go home.

“Go away!” I yelled back.

He didn’t. He kept yelling at me to get into the car as he drove along beside me. This area wasn’t safe at night, and he didn’t want me to be the next target. I didn’t care about that anymore.

Yet, I also knew I couldn’t do what I was planning to do with him following me. I finally resigned myself to the fact that tonight wasn’t going to be the night my suffering would end.

I didn’t tell him what I was planning to do until later. He just thought I was going out for a run to cool down. He came after me because he didn’t want me to be in a dangerous area at night. He had no idea what I really was planning.

Just One of Many Sad Stories

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I’m no stranger to suicide, although this was the first time I had attempted it. It has impacted me deeply several times in my life. I have lost close friends to this dreaded illness.

And yes, I said illness. Depression is an illness. Anxiety is an illness. Suicide is the result of an illness. It’s just not the kind people talk about. You don’t get casseroles and meal trains like the more PC maladies.

I remember when my friend and coworker killed herself over the Thanksgiving holiday. We shared the same cubical at work. She had just lost her dog and was understandably upset. However, she never told anyone she wanted to take her life. She just took a bunch of pills unexpectedly Sunday night and never woke up.

One morning, her chair sat empty with her sweater still hanging from it. One morning, my manager called me into his office and, with tears in his eyes, told me my friend that I had joked with every day was dead. One morning, I went back to my desk with salty rivers streaming down my cheeks recounting our every interaction and asking myself if I should have known something was wrong.

One of my college classmates did the same thing while we were on a mission trip in Northern Ireland. We were all shocked. No one knew her inner torture. She was found dead by our campus soccer field.

Even one of my personal mentors in business, a close friend and someone I greatly admired, killed himself with a pistol leaving behind his precious wife and young daughter.

I’ve also lost two high school classmates to mental health as life worn them down. I never knew they were suffering.

I never told anyone I was suicidal. However, according to statistics this isn’t the norm. The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention states that 50% to 75% of people talk about suicide before they attempt it. So, if you’ve ever heard someone say it, pay attention.

However, I gave no warning. I rationalized that if I talked about it, someone would try to stop me. I felt like I had lost control in every other area of my life, so this was my final hold on power. With every other part of my life reeling into chaos, at least I could choose when I’d had enough and how I left this world.

Later, I would find out that I had metabolic illness, hormonal imbalances and nutritional deficiencies of some key vitamins tied to brain health. Depression and anxiety were the side effects of a deeper problem. It turns out that my years of silent suffering, while certainly compounded by some terrible life events, were more of a physiological problem that needed a doctor’s intervention to stabilize my levels.

My mind was actually sick.

Once I received the correct nutrient supplements and hormones, it was like a wet blanket was lifted off of my brain. I could think clearly again. I could handle life’s difficulties again.

While I’m not saying everyone with depression has an underlying health issue causing those symptoms, I’m also saying it’s probably a lot more prominent than most health professionals think.

Why I Wanted to Die

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I do not live in a vacuum. When I tell my story, I try very hard to protect other stories that intertwine with mine, but aren’t mine to tell.

Yet, I still feel it’s important that people understand what went through my head, as it’s probably similar to many other cases and stories. I can say that a lot of very difficult circumstances came together, on top of the other challenges that I mentioned previously, to create the perfect storm of isolation and gut wrenching emotional agony.

People commit suicide for many reasons. The final trigger can be something very simple, something most people could just “get over.”

However, a person with depression and anxiety no longer has normal coping mechanisms. They don’t just get over it.

The hardest thing for me was that my emotional tolerance thermostat got reset. I am no stranger to stress or conflict. I spent many years in territory sales management and handled daily presentations and tough conversation with ease. However, I started finding myself shaking after phone calls with upper management and my temperature spiked into a low-grade fever. My anxiety would sky rocket when I talked to customers. I couldn’t think clearly.

This wasn’t me!

I was strong. I was performance driven. I was the queen of  “suck it up and keep going!” I raced in triathlons and marathons. I sang a solo at my mom’s funeral at 15 years old without shedding a tear – which I later realized was not healthy.

I always saw myself as strong. I was the one that, no matter how horrible things got, would keep it together. This was one of my deepest identifying mantras.

And then suddenly I was weaker than water.

The anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t even ride my bike anymore, and I used to race on it! My brain was spinning out of control, and I was no longer “me.”

When you add into the equation that I had not only lost everything that defined me, I also felt I had lost my husband and everyone else who loved me, and the odds of things getting better were slim to none, the only rational conclusion was to end the mental torture.

The Reminder

Today, four years later, I was sitting with a lovely lady in a networking event. She had just lost a close friend to suicide. She couldn’t believe her friend could do this and was confused as to how it could possibly ever be that bad.

I found myself talking about my own journey for the first time publicly. I told her that her friend’s mind was sick. In the alternate reality, he had convinced himself that the world would be better off without him.

That’s often how the mind of a suicidal person works. Most people really don’t think about the fact that their death will cause pain. They actually rationalize that everyone will be better if they do it.

In my head, it made perfect sense at the time. All of my friends were fine. They all had loving families who supported them. My mom was dead and I wasn’t close with my father. I didn’t have any children. The only person that I felt needed me had conveyed to my warped understanding that he no longer loved me. To spare him the pain of a divorce, I decided I would just kill myself so he wouldn’t have to go through that stigma. It would be my final gift to him…

I realize that this logic sounds faulty. It absolutely is! That’s my point.

A suicidal person isn’t thinking clearly. They rationalize the world will be a brighter place if their flame is snuffed out. They really don’t think about the heartbreak others will feel at their passing, because their self worth has become so low they can’t imagine why anyone would care if they died. They actually aren’t selfish in their mind. They feel like they are doing everyone a favor!

The other reason people commit suicide is that the pain becomes too great and they lose hope it will ever end. I do understand pain and trauma. However, the pain of losing my mom to breast cancer as a child was still tinged with the hope that I would be able to one day overcome it and find happiness. I wasn’t sick yet. Hope could still create a foothold in my heart.

Those who end up killing themselves can no longer find hope. They feel that their painful existence won’t change and this emotional anguish will last forever. I had felt horribly depressed for years before I finally got to the point where I gave up.

Why I Have Waited To Talk About This

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It’s taken me four years to tell this story. Honestly, it’s not a part of my life that I enjoy talking about. It also scares me to be this open with my audience. Every year when this anniversary comes up, I put off writing my story.

People have a sigma about mental health. Even though I am completely fine now that I’ve received nutritional and hormonal treatment for my deficiencies and imbalances, it’s hard to shake labels.

And I don’t want to be labeled as someone who is crazy, someone who has a mental health problem, someone who needs pity.

It’s the hushed whispers as you walk by from people who have never walked this road that I wanted to avoid. I also don’t want people to steer clear of doing business with me because I once had depression and anxiety and they are worried I will relapse and suddenly drop everything.

That’s not going to happen. If it was, I would still be too scared to talk about it. It’s only from the platform of health and hope that I can share my story now.

Depression and anxiety are the redheaded stepchildren of illnesses. If you have a broken leg or cancer people come out to support you in droves. Yet, if you admit depression people don’t know what to do with you. There is that awkward silence, so you learn to just say you’re “fine” when someone asks how things are going.

These illnesses also trigger isolation in people. They don’t want to leave the house. They don’t want to talk to anyone. They withdraw so tightly within themselves that they become invisible. In a “look at me” society where everyone is screaming for the spotlight, and attention spans are shorter than a knat from the constant bombardment of social media and smart phones, depressed people can easily slink into the shadows unnoticed.

Why I’m Talking About It Now

Upon further introspection, I’ve found that my reasons for not sharing my story are selfish. I’m worried about what people will think about me. I’m scared that I will be labeled.

Yet, no matter how terrified I feel, I shouldn’t let this fear keep me from helping someone else.

My image is NOT worth anyone else taking their life because I chose my reputation over educating others about this disease. My story, even if it helps just one person, is worth all of the ridicule and finger pointing in the world if there is one less choice to reach for the relief of death over the daily fight for life.

I truly wish I could share an inspirational story about my fight and victory over a more socially acceptable disease. You know, the kind that makes people send you flowers and stuffed teddy bears.

It’s not.

My story is a story that kills more people every year than car crashes, murders or any other cause of injury.

My story is the third leading cause of death among people ages 15 to 24, and the second leading cause of death for people 24 to 35. I was in this second age bracket on my attempt.

My story is an epidemic that results in the death of someone every 16.2 minutes.

Suicide is a huge problem in our society that no one wants to talk about. Depression is an issue that is swept under the rug. However, 2/3 of the people who commit suicide were depressed at the time of their death.

If you know someone who is suffering from depression, and is either being inadequately treated or not receiving treatment at all, please do everything you can to get them the help they need.

To Those Who Are Suffering…

In conclusion, I want to speak directly to those suffering silently from depression. I know you’re scared to talk about this. You don’t want to be labeled with a mental health stigma. You don’t want to be pitied. You may feel enormous guilt that you feel this way. You work very hard at putting up the facade that all is well.

Yet when that wall cracks, you’ve heard people tell you that you should just…

“Snap out of it!”

“Get over it!”

“Stop choosing sadness!”

Let me be the first to tell you that depression is not a choice. No one would choose this personal black hole to live in. If people around you don’t understand, keep fighting until you find someone who can help you find treatment.

I realize depression gnaws away at your resolve and the last thing you want to do is fight, but it’s the only way to come back from the darkness. You have to believe you are worth fighting for!

Let me tell you something else you may not believe right now…

It does get better! You can’t believe the lies that come from a sick brain! Your reality is skewed because of your disease. You can’t listen to that inner voice whispering hopelessness right now, because it’s wrong!

For me, getting the physiological fixed was key. When that puzzle was solved, everything else fell into place.

Oh, and my marriage didn’t end. That scenario was a lie too. My husband and I have come through this and are now stronger than ever!

The sadness, that seems so embedded in your very soul, actually does release it’s icy gripe on your heart. You will find joy again. You will laugh. You will find yourself.

You just have to seek help and hold on until that day comes. When it comes, you will be glad you didn’t listen to the demons whispering their lies. It will be worth all of those painful, dark days when you finally see the sun again. When it comes, you will realize how precious life is, that people do love you and that you are worthy of joy.

If you are considering suicide, or know someone who is, please reach out for help.

Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

  • at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor in your area.

It’s free and confidential.

You must realize that despite uneducated stigma, this isn’t a weakness, it’s an illness. Don’t ever be ashamed to seek treatment so you can get your life back again!

Coming from the other side as a survivor of depression, I can tell you it’s worth every battle to win the war and find yourself again!

Life is too precious!!! Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up!!!

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Get the Old Pain Out of Your New Year

Today is the first day of 2016.

I couldn’t be happier!

It’s a new stamp on time, fresh and clean. For now, at least, there have been no mistakes, regrets or darkness to soil the sparkling purity of “the new.”

Knowing me, that won’t last too long! But, for now, I’m reveling in the clean slate! And I’m turning my back on 2015 and not looking back!

It’s also the first time I’ve written on this blog in years. Why? Because I felt too lost to help anyone. It would have been the case of the blind leading the blind. If I couldn’t let the past go, how could I possibly write about how to help others? I was in a deep depression springing from great personal loss, PTSD, anxiety and chronic illness.

The purpose of this post isn’t to explain how I got there… Everyone’s sad story is different. Life is often both cruel and beautiful. It seems that those destined for depression don’t need a road map to find it. They need a plan to get out of it.

And it starts with letting go…

I know. It’s such a trite thing to say. I’m sure every depressed person would love to just let go of their sadness, emptiness and anger. I know I wanted to with every fiber of my being.

Yet, when you are in the middle of the darkness, that feels like an impossible thing to do. Depression tends to shine a magnifier on all of your past trauma, pain, failure and misery and then, like a cruel torture machine set on constant replay, play out each event to rip open your soul with agony just as fresh as the day it happened. You can never heal when you keep opening the wound.

How can you reprogram this type of force that continues to crash into you? How can you turn the tide?

Until I successfully did this in my own mind, I couldn’t very well show others a road map to hope. Oh, I knew all the psychobabble; but I didn’t want to feel like a hypocrite when I couldn’t follow it myself. Until I found answers, I didn’t feel like I could encourage anyone else.

That’s the most frustrating thing about depression. You know you should get out of the house. You know you should think about all of your blessings instead of scrutinizing all the loss. You know you should exercise. You know you should be around other people. You know you should eat healthy food. You know you shouldn’t escape into television. You know you should read books that lift you up and help you focus on your blessings. You know you should go to bed on time and get good sleep. You know you should follow a schedule.

Yet, sadly, when the dark monster encircles you with his talons, you just don’t care about what you should do. In my head, there was always this rational side speaking to me, almost like a little person lounging in my brain behind a desk. I called her my own little psychologist. She was very judgy. She always inwardly chastised me for not snapping out of this and getting over things. She had read all the self-help books and listed to all the motivational coaches telling you how to excel in life. She meant well. She wanted me to be successful, but she constantly held up this picture of the person that I knew I could be, the person that I used to be, but now couldn’t reach.

I often thought it would be much easier if I went completely loopy. It was the in-between walk through sanity, depression and brain fog that was so difficult. I knew my brain wasn’t working right. I knew I couldn’t remember things or process information well. I knew I shouldn’t be this sad. Yet, I couldn’t get all the way to a healthy mind and I couldn’t embrace the lack of self consciousnesses from full insanity either.

How To Find Hope

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Hope is the magic ingredient for depression. It is when hope has completely gone that life no longer has meaning. You have to believe it will eventually get better. That’s why I can now share my story. In my case, after years of almost giving up, it finally did.

Thankfully, I found that a large reason I couldn’t shake my depression was mostly physiological. I have known that I’ve battled chronic illness for years, but the doctors couldn’t figure me out. I was” idiopathic,” which just meant they didn’t know. Doctors don’t like to not know… They are too busy for diseases that hide and don’t present themselves immediately. They would rather view the patient as the problem… a hypochondriac perhaps?

Finally, I found a doctor who enjoyed solving the puzzle instead of running from it. He found that I had hypothyroidism, a chronically low vitamin D level and insulin resistance. It took an amazing doctor to finally help me understand why I had been battling this darkness for years without relief. Among other not-so-fun side effects, one of the main symptoms in all of these diseases is depression.

That’s right… depression is a symptom.

It’s not your fault. This was a revelation to me.

It’s a symptom; just like when you try to breathe with broken ribs and have shooting pain through your body with each inhalation. You can’t will that pain away. You also can’t stop breathing. You just have to let the bones heal and keep breathing even though every time you take in air you want to cry.

For me, until my body was given thyroid hormone, vitamin D supplementation and medication to manage my insulin resistance, no amount of willpower, positive thinking or counseling was going to fix me. My doctor found the insulin resistance and low vitamin D first, so I was already treating it. The second I put the final piece of this puzzle together, and took that tiny thyroid hormone, it was like someone took off the wet blanket from my brain. I could breathe again. I was me again.

Until I had the medical answers coupled with the techniques I had already learned from past counseling, I could only go so far.

I will say, even though I had great advice, great counselors and great support, I could NOT come out of it without treatment. It wasn’t because I didn’t have enough faith. It wasn’t because I wasn’t trying. It wasn’t because I wanted drama or pity. I was sick with the kind of illness that society doesn’t understand.

Yes, I’ve dealt with trauma, and I processed it and moved on. This wasn’t a well brain trying to process a bad experience. This was different. My brain was sick. While many gave me great advice, it was the advice you would give to someone with a normal brain. My little psychologist was already saying the same thing to me with repetitive monotony.

It would be like a coach telling a runner how to perfect their running form with a broken leg. The advice is great – for someone with two working legs. No matter how much the coach tries to get the runner to incorporate that advice, nothing would work until the broken leg is treated first.

So, as we begin a new year fresh with possibilities, I can only be extremely grateful to my loving husband for sticking with me through some very dark times, to an amazing doctor who kept searching out my illness until he found a way to help me, and to my many other wonderful friends and family for standing by me.

Don’t Stop Fighting to Bring YOU Back!

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I promise, that person you used to be is still in there. Don’t give up until you find them again.

If you love someone with depression, I would encourage you to push them to continue to seek a treatment that works. Don’t let them give up and just accept that this is something they have to live with the rest of their lives. Some people need therapists and others need medical intervention. Depression is so multifaceted, but there are always answers if you keep searching.

Just because a doctor can’t find a problem on the first appointment doesn’t mean it’s “all in their head.” Depression is a side effect of MANY different types of hormonal, nutritional deficiency and metabolic diseases. It can also be caused by head trauma. Just because you can’t see the broken system doesn’t mean it’s not there.

If you are battling depression, while it may be the last thing you want to do, keep fighting for answers. Don’t just accept it if someone labels you as crazy. Don’t be dismissed. If you have tried counseling and the techniques aren’t working, don’t assume you’re a lost cause. You may only need a small fix to feel better. My depression and anxiety were gone the second I took my first thyroid pill, and they haven’t returned. Once you find the answers, you will be so glad you kept fighting for them.

Now that I’ve finally put a name to my silent tormentors, battled them back with treatment, and found myself again, I’m ready to move forward. I try not to focus on the years lost in a depressive haze. I can’t do anything about that lost time. However, I can make the best possible rest of my life.

It’s time to move forward, relish my many blessings, and enjoy the fact that I can think clearly again. It’s time to build the positive mindset to create the life I’ve always wanted. It’s time to embrace the NEW Year as a NEW me!

If you’ve successfully beaten depression, or are in the process of fighting it, I would love to hear from you. Tell me your story in the comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

Where the Shadow People Walk

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As I walk recovery’s road, I’ve always been fascinated with shadow. Literally, it’s a fun tool to make shadow puppets on the wall with my hands.  Metaphorically, however, it is less entertaining and more of an elusive blackness embedded in the feet, following wherever we go. I see shadows with both perspectives. They provide comfort in that they cannot be seen without light. If we are enveloped in depression’s darkness, there is no illumination to create a shadow. The fact that they are present is evidence for brilliance. But, though shadows prove the existence of stepping into the sun, they are also the lingering fingerprints of the blackness we try to leave behind. They are a sign we are healing; that we are facing the light. We can see hope in the warm rays caressing our cheek from the generous arms of a brighter future. Yet, the shadow still stands entrenched, impervious to the light.

What Are Your Shadows?

Shadows are the pain, flashbacks, PTSD moments of panic, and sadness of our past.  They are the whispers in the dark that your delusions of having it all together are a fairytale. Though you may feel moments in the sun, when you turn around, you are reminded that you still walk among the shadow people.

Everyone heals in their own time, but as long we we move forward, we are all walking out of darkness into light. We are just at different distances… Think about it, when the light is far off and lower on the horizon, the shadows grow. But, when we stand directly under the source of light, the shadow shrinks to raisins beneath our toes.

Two Types of Shadow People

Some of us dismiss that we are even affected by our past and refuse to turn and see the huge shadow laughing around our ankles. We claim we are over it; that the pain no longer affects us. But, we’ve just successfully stuffed our issues in an emotional box waiting to bounce out like a psychotic clown on springs when we least suspect. Trust me, it’s easier to deal with it now… and I hate clowns! If you stuff them away, they seem to grow in the dark of denial.

On the other side of the personality coin, some people bypass the rose-colored glasses, and obsess over their shadows while ignoring the light. It is human nature to focus on what we’ve lost, on what we miss, on who has hurt us. But, holding onto the positive and letting the pain go is the only way to heal. Many times, people focus so much on one aspect of their lives that is broken, while missing all the blessings they still enjoy which are begging for their acknowledgment. Realize that it’s in our nature to do this, and constantly work to change it. So you haven’t found that special person yet; you still have family and friends who love you! So your job is stressful; there is more to life than career. Don’t tie your job failure to your identity as a person; there are still so many things you can do with your life! So your marriage is in trouble, realize that you have the power to do all you can to change it, and if the other person still refuses reconciliation and embraces rebellion, you can walk away. So that person has hurt you deeply and refuses to acknowledge or apologize for it, you can always forgive them anyway for your own sanity’s sake. So you lost someone close to you, either through death or by choice… it does their memory no good to embrace misery. If they truly loved you unconditionally, they wouldn’t want that path of grief for you. Despite what you want to say in your pity party of one, you always have a choice to move forward or wallow in the misery of what you cannot change.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. I’m preaching to myself as well. I have recently walked away from more than an entire year of productivity lost in depressive wallowing. But, no more! It’s time to accept the past, but no longer give it power!

Turn the Monsters into Midgets!

So, how do we get rid of the shadow people? First, acknowledge that they are there by turning around to face them, but don’t give them any power over your. Then, accept that healing takes time, and they may be your companions for a bit longer on your journey. But, just because they are there doesn’t mean they deserve any fear of their existence. Each day, learn to let go of what is outside of your circle of influence and focus on what is still within your power to change. You can always impact your thinking and outlook, no matter what setbacks come. Finally, commit to find at least one reason each day to make the shadows shrink.  Embrace one more thought that brings you closer to hope.  Make a list of all of the positivity in your life and display it somewhere you can see it often. Decide to logically look at your belief systems and objectively dissect any that you know are holding you back from freedom. This makes the shadow monsters into shadow midgets.

What belief systems are you holding onto that you know are holding you back from healing? What are some steps you can take today to shrink your shadow people?

Breaking the Glass of the Past

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“I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays…”

– Carl Sandburg

Why create a site with images of broken glass? Well, it’s simple. To me, broken glass is synonymous with moving forward. You see, I still struggle with backward perception. I’m learning to let go of this horrible habit. Yet, allegorically, I sometimes try to drive my life car while looking in the rear-view mirror. Even though I know I will crash if I don’t look forward, I can’t break the habit of scanning that shiny mirror to see what’s behind me. The only way for me to close the door to the past is to break the glass.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe we should learn from our past mistakes and failures. Pain shouldn’t be wasted. And, I’m not advocating that we forget where we’ve been. But, when our negative experiences cast shadow over our present joy, we have some work to do within.

Rear-view mirrors can show up in unexpected places. Maybe you don’t trust a certain type of person because of a past trauma. Or, maybe you don’t believe you are capable of being loved because you were betrayed by those closest to you. Maybe you have created self-protection modes that worked to preserve you during past difficulties, but now hamper you in your present life. Maybe you’re simply afraid to try anything hard again, because a dream-crushing failure hurt so deeply you can’t bring yourself to face another pain possibility. Maybe you’ve given up hope because you don’t think it’s worth having, and it’s easier not to expect anything but the worst. Maybe you’ve become so tired of feeling, that you’ve just stopped… and let your heart grow hard. Maybe, like me, you have struggled with depression without admitting it out loud…

If so, then join me… I’m not a licensed therapist, just a fellow life seeker who hasn’t had an easy road. I will rely on my faith, my own past failure, and my road from darkness to light to bring others a whisper of hope. My goal in this blog is to lift you up, even in your darkest moments. It’s my way of paying it forward for those who took the time to help me once. Now that I finally feel sunlight on my face again, my goal is to help others reach their highest personal potential. And, you can’t do that while still living in past pain.

Ready to grab that hammer and break some glass with me? If so, I want to hear from you! What are some areas that you want to learn to leave in the past?